Worried About the Behavior of an
Adult You Care About?
Are you concerned that someone you care about may be struggling with sexual thoughts or behaviors towards children? Are you feeling that "something just isn't right" about an adult's behavior towards a child? Not sure how to talk to someone about your concerns?
You are not alone. We understand and we can help. Reaching out for information and answers is an important first step.
We are ready to help with confidential information and referrals. People who get specialized help can and do learn to control their behavior. No more secrets. No more lies.
How Can I Find Help?
If you are concerned about someone's sexualized behaviors towards children or underage teens, call Stop It Now!'s® SAFE AND CONFIDENTIAL 1.888.PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) Helpline. Helpline hours are Monday - Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. CST. Calls are answered by understanding people who know What to Watch Out for When Adults or Youth are with Children (.pdf) and how to talk with someone you know whose behavior worries you.
Families need to know they have more options than putting up with the abuse or locking up the person who is abusing and throwing away the key. Treatment for sexual behavior problems is available and it works for people motivated to change.
Many people with sexual behavior problems wish that someone had asked them what was going on or had told them where to call. If someone you love is acting in sexual ways toward children that worry or concern you, call our SAFE AND CONFIDENTIAL 1.888.PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) Helpline to talk about what you are seeing and to help you decide what actions to take to keep children safe.
How Do I Know What to Watch Out For?
There is no such thing as a foolproof warning sign but through our work with adults who have sexually abused a child, we have identified some Alert Signals that an Adult may have Sexual Behavior Problems (.pdf). Often adults have a gut feeling about someone's behavior around children but they're afraid to say anything in case they're wrong. If we wait for proof that someone has acted in a sexual way towards a child, it is too late—a child has already been harmed.
What If I'm Not Sure that Someone has Sexually Abused a Child?
To prevent child sexual abuse before a child is harmed, adults who care about children have to take action as soon as they are uneasy about someone's behavior towards a child. Just as we practice "fire drills" with our families, as adults we should learn how to talk about our concerns about someone's behavior towards children before the conversation is needed. For tips on how to speak up when you see behaviors toward children that concern you, download our information guide Let's Talk: Adults Talking to Adults about Child Sexual Abuse. (.pdf)
But He Couldn't Be Sexual with Kids…
We can't tell who sexually abuses children by the way they look. What people who sexually abuse children have in common is they think about sex with children and then they act on those thoughts by sexually abusing a child. We know that child sexual abuse is happening all the time in all parts of the country. That means that adults and teenagers who have sexually abused a child live in our neighborhoods, shop in the same stores, are part of our faith communities. We may know them personally as part of our family or extended family, or in our circle of friends and neighbors. But we may not know about their sexual activities around kids.
But He's Married…
Adults who sexually abuse children may be married or in relationships with other adults. Some people who sexually abuse children are physically attracted to children. This is known as pedophilia. Not all pedophiles act on their sexual feelings towards children but those who sexually abuse children do. Some adults sexually approach children when they are under a lot of stress, like losing a job or getting a divorce. Some sexually abuse children so they can feel the power and control they don't feel in their relationships with other adults. Some who sexually abuse children were victims of abuse or neglect as children. It's not an excuse, just a fact. Many adults who were sexually abused as a child live their lives without ever sexually harming others.
He Told Me It Won't Ever Happen Again…
Keeping abuse a secret is what those who have sexually abused and those who have been sexually abused say allows it to continue, sometimes for generations. If you know that a child has been sexually abused, you need to report it. You can call the police or your county's child protective services to report. You can also bring the child to a therapist or doctor, both of whom are required to report the abuse. If you don't know where to go or you are unsure of what you are seeing, call Stop It Now!'s SAFE AND CONFIDENTIAL 1.888.PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) Helpline for information and support.
Are Men the Only Ones Who Sexually Abuse Children?
Those who sexually abuse children—the ones we know about and the ones we don't—can be anyone in our lives. They are fathers, mothers, stepparents, grandparents, and other family members (uncles, aunts, cousins). They're neighbors, babysitters, religious leaders, teachers, coaches, or anyone else who has close contact with our children. More cases of sexual abuse by men are reported into the legal system. Close to half of those who sexually abuse children are under the age of 18. Other recent studies have begun to examine the impact of sexual abuse when the abuser is a woman or girl.
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True Stories of Finding Help and Hope
Evan's Story
An obsession with adult pornography and the "ultimate high" led "Evan" to cross the line to illegal images of children.
Pornography, like alcohol, became an addiction for me. I was always looking for more exciting and forbidden images, always after the "ultimate high," until one day I got a spam email for child pornography. I knew it was wrong, but unfortunately I bought it. That was the end of my career. Thankfully I got help for my addictions and my life is better now. Read more
Henry's Story
"Henry" realizes that his "sexual orientation" is to children. He knows that he can never be alone with a child again.
Until I got into specialized treatment a few years ago, I didn't see any hope for dealing with my behavior. I knew that society looks down upon my offense as really way underneath the table kind of thing. I knew that my behavior just wasn't accepted. I didn't see myself changing. I still realize that that's basically my "sexual orientation." I feel like through treatment I've gotten some handles on how to deal with that so that I'm not acting inappropriately and not hurting children.
Read more
Carla's Story
"Carla" is finding that therapy and twelve-step groups have helped her work through the terrible feelings she has about abusing children when she was a teenager.
I thought when you got to a certain age that those awful thoughts and feelings would just go away by themselves. It wasn't until the last few years that I told anybody what I did when I was a teenager. It's true that therapy is hard, because working through my problems means talking about what happened, and feeling the feelings again. It's so hard to go there, but my therapist really listens and helps me.
Read more
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Prevention Tips
Talking About "It"
The most effective way to prevent child sexual abuse is for adults to be prepared to talk about their concerns when an adult, youth or child is acting in a sexually inappropriate way towards a child. We know that in 90% of child sexual abuse cases, the child is abused by someone they know and trust. How can we expect a six-year-old to stand up to an adult when we as adults find it hard to talk about the sexual abuse of children? We adults must find the courage to say, "I have a bad feeling about things I am seeing and I am worried about everyone involved."
For help in speaking to someone whose behavior around children worries you, download "Lets Talk: Adults Talking to Adults about Child Sexual Abuse" (.pdf) or call our SAFE AND CONFIDENTIAL 1.888.PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) Helpline.
Silence Shatters Lives
Often it is hard for us to believe that someone we know and even love could also act in a sexually inappropriate way towards a child. We as adults need to be willing to consider the idea that someone who is acting in a sexual way towards a child may be at risk to abuse a child— and we need to learn to speak up about our concerns as soon as we have them. Instead of brushing off our concerns with "It's probably just me" or "I'm sure he didn't mean anything by that" or "She must have misunderstood what he said/did" we need to act on these early warning signs and speak up so that a child doesn't have to.
When we don't speak up, we don't protect our children. When we don't speak up, someone we care about may make a life-altering decision and sexually abuse a child. Think of what a difference each of us could make in the life of a child if we knew how to talk about our concerns.
To learn more about Minnesota State laws related to sexual conduct, click here.
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