Dialogue Project Breaks New Ground

“The Stop It Now! dialogue between victims, perpetrators and therapists was done so professionally with openness and honesty — it blew me away!” said one observer of a recent Stop It Now! dialogue held in Richmond, Virginia. Another observer claimed, “This event was the first time in ten years of this work that I have listened to a perpetrator speak out. It was eye opening!”

Through our research over the last ten years, Stop It Now! has learned that although the public is aware of child sexual abuse, most people simply do not know how to talk about the issue. Typical “conversations” about abuse in the media or on the streets usually begin and end in the same futile ways: “Child sexual abuse is a horrendous crime. We all agree with that. What else is there to talk about?” The Stop It Now! dialogues grew out of the desire to create deeper conversations at the community level about how to prevent abuse. Our concept is to go straight to the people who have been most affected: survivors, recovering sex offenders and family members of both, and let them model what it means to truly talk together about the sexual abuse of a child. As one survivor described, having an authentic conversation about abuse requires the “courage to disturb the surface, to let go of appearances and to disrupt the normal social relations.”

Our first dialogue was held in 1997 in Burlington, Vermont between two Stop It Now! board members: Fran Henry, a survivor of child sexual abuse and the founder of Stop It Now!, and Wayne Bowers, a recovering sex offender and the Executive Director of Sexual Abuse Treatment Alliance. The response was overwhelmingly positive. One attendee wrote, “Hearing the honest sharing of a survivor of sexual abuse along with the heartfelt words of a perpetrator in recovery was a powerful and inspiring convergence. Stop It Now!’s dialogue was a courageous, groundbreaking step in the fight to end child sexual abuse.” We immediately recognized the need for more of this kind of authentic conversation. In order to build our own understanding and capacity, we followed this initial success with a two-day, facilitated retreat between four recovering sex offenders and four survivors of child sexual abuse to learn from those who might know best. From this retreat, Stop It Now! developed the necessary tone of respect critical to an honest conversation about this deeply emotional issue. We also created the format that we still use today.

When we introduced the concept more broadly, most people were shocked or overwhelmed by the idea that survivors, recovering sex offenders, and family members would meet in the same room, or sit at the same table. To move people beyond this shock, we often remind them that most abuse happens in families. In reality, abusers and victims sit together daily at their kitchen tables and talk about everything but the pain and tragedy in their lives. Many people call our helpline primarily because they have no idea how to talk about what they are facing in their families. That ordinary people on all sides of the issue will choose to sit together and open themselves publicly to help prevent future sexual abuse is what makes the Stop It Now! dialogues both bold and challenging.

Over the past six years we have conducted over 40 dialogues with participants from all over the country. We have presented in church basements in Vermont, in a town meeting format in Philadelphia, as part of a professional training in Virginia, and as a plenary of a national conference in Minnesota for male survivors of sexual abuse. Over the years, the courage and authenticity of each and every participant has been inspiring to the audience and to the staff of Stop It Now!. One mother talked about the strength of her 11 year-old daughter to tell someone about the very thing her husband, the perpetrator, could not speak out loud. One recovering sex offender said, “It took the courage of one person to break my cycle of humiliation by confronting me honestly, holding me accountable, and still approaching me with love.” Survivors have talked about the healing that happens when they tell their experience and it is heard—and believed—by both the audience and the recovering sex offender.

As part of our advocacy work, we are seeking new ways to have the voices of those affected by sexual abuse make a greater impact and be heard in new ways. In addition to finding more national forums in which to present our dialogues, Stop It Now! is also considering making a documentary film about this process with Geoff Stephens Productions, Inc., a New York production company. Lastly, we are creating a manual and possibly a training program to help others bring these forums to their own communities.

If there is any doubt remaining, authentic stories told honestly and with our best perceptions of truth can and do make a difference. Stop It Now! encourages anyone who has been affected by sexual abuse to talk about the issue. We know how difficult these conversations can be. But we have seen, in every day of our work, the difference it can make when survivors, recovering offenders, family members or friends talk about their experiences. One of our dialogue participants said it best. The mother of a 12 year-old son who sexually abused a younger child told us, “Even 10 years later, I was surprised at how difficult it was to describe what happened in our family. The dialogue brought up so many feelings that I thought I had processed years ago. But it felt like a very important thing to do today.” And from a professional in the audience we heard: “What I thought was so powerful was the energy in the room... If we can do some of these events more often, we are fulfilling an important responsibility.”

Joan Tabachnick

Helpline

The Helpline Provides A Family-Friendly Response

“I have a horrible gut feeling that something isn’t right. I am afraid to report because what if I am wrong, and the family is ripped apart? But I just can’t stop thinking that my brother may be touching my niece. What can I do?” —Helpline Caller

This quote illustrates the dilemma of many helpline callers. When an adult has concerns, but no evidence, that sexual abuse has occurred or will occur in his or her family or community, society offers two options: report or do nothing. Helpline callers consistently teach us that often neither of these options feels viable. First, if there is no evidence but just a ‘gut feeling’, there is nothing to report. Second, callers will not make a report and risk breaking up the family unless they know something for sure. Lastly, doing nothing does not feel right either because callers want to make sure everyone they love is safe.

The Stop It Now! Helpline offers a third option. We call it the “Family-Friendly Response.”

Many callers feel they do not have the words to talk about their concerns. On the helpline, we discuss and role-play various ways of talking to other adults in the family. We talk through the warning signs in an adult or older child who may be at risk for abusing, and behaviors to look for when adults are with children. We discuss healthy sexual development in children and sexual activity between children. We provide information on specialized treatment for sexually acting out behaviors as well as information on counselors who specialize in evaluating children who may have been sexually abused. Ultimately, we provide an extensive alternative to the “report or do nothing” scenario, and in doing so, families become involved in an important opportunity for prevention.

Amanda Horowitz

World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse

Stop It Now! worked with the Women’s World Summit Foundation to bring our public health ideas to their international meeting held in Geneva, Switzerland on November 19. John Brownlow, Central Coordinator for Stop It Now! UK and Ireland, participated in a round table event at the conference, which marked the World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. John gave a presentation on a public health approach to the prevention of child sexual abuse followed by a workshop to explain the work of Stop It Now!.

The World Day is an international coalition of over 385 organizations. The main aim of this coalition is to create a culture of prevention by setting up a world partnership committed to mobilizing the public and professionals in the field of children’s issues. For information, contact www.woman.ch/children/1-coalition impact.asp.

Site News

GEORGIA
Anticipating the usual yearly increase in maltreatment complaints during the holiday
season, Stop It Now! Georgia recently rolled out its community education packets and public service announcements aimed primarily at parents of youth with sexual behavior problems. Now! Georgia also opened its website at www.stopitnowga.org in mid-December.

MINNESOTA
Stop It Now! Minnesota is sponsoring a 6-minute spot on the state cable television community access channel. In other media news, state senator Chuck Wiger invited Now! Minnesota staff to discuss results of the recently released evaluation study which demonstrated that people need help identifying warning signs of sexually abusive behavior.

PHILADELPHIA
Stop It Now! Philadelphia and the Joseph J. Peters Institute hosted a highprofile, public dialogue at Temple University Children’s Hospital on December 1. Attended by about one hundred participants, the event prompted an emotional debate. Emotions ran high as audience members debated the necessity for stricter criminal sanctions and a renewed commitment to ending child sexual abuse.

VERMONT
Stop It Now! Vermont and Vermont’s Division of Social Services sponsored a community dialogue in Morrisville in October. The dialogue had a small, hometown feel and drew a crowd of mostly foster parents who were particularly interested in learning more about working effectively within the child protection system.

UNITED KINGDOM
On December 2, Stop It Now! UK and Ireland was honored by the Plain English Campaign for two of its brochures: What We All Need to Know to Protect Our Children, which provides family and friends with information about the warning signs of abusive behavior; and Child’s Play, aimed at parents and guardians of children with sexually inappropriate or abusive behavior. The brochures were drawn from the guidebooks developed by Stop It Now! in the United States. John Brownlow, Central Coordinator attended the ceremony with Judith Bentley, Administrator, and said, “We are delighted with this award. If we can put across our key messages as clearly as possible, people will be more likely to hear and understand them and to take appropriate action to protect children."

Stop It Now! In the News

Stop It Now! was featured as a case study in a recent report entitled Communicating for Change: A Review of Communications Campaigns Conducted by Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Groups 1994-2000. The report, by EDK Associates Inc. for Jane Doe, Inc., a Massachusetts-based coalition against sexual and domestic violence, reviewed the campaigns of 80 organizations and outlined effective strategies for future communications campaigns. Contact Joan Tabachnick at jtab@stopitnow.org for further information.

National Child Advocate, the publication of the National Children’s Advocacy Center, featured a front-page story by Joan Tabachnick in the Summer 2004 issue entitled Create A Social Marketing Campaign with Information learned from Abusers, Those At-Risk To Abuse, and Their Friends and Families.

On November 2, 2003, The Richmond Times-Dispatch ran a story called Preventing Child Sexual Abuse about a Stop It Now! public dialogue co- sponsored by the Virginia Department of Health’s Center for Injury and Violence Prevention and Virginians Aligned Against Sexual Assault.

Stop It Now! staff members Joan Tabachnick and Amanda Horowitz have appeared in the Letters to the Editor column of recent Boston Globe and Daily Hampshire Gazette newspapers.